Full Circle

I started my new job today.... I was actually up in the nursery, 3rd floor...So excited. All scrubbed up and ready to go. I walk to the hospital entrance in anticipation.... and my heart is pounding...

I haven't been to the 3rd floor in 6 months. 6 months ago, when my sweet baby Olive was born and thus began the most agonizing journey of my life.... I checked into Anti-Partum on April 16th, 2008 for Bedrest.... Here I met so many amazing people that helped me and took care of me... They helped me cope with my pain and my sadness about being on bedrest and away from my beloved job....

June 6th 2008: Olive arrives a sick little girl. I am Hemorrhaging, barely conscious of the fact my little girl is slipping away.... Next thing I know, she is being whisked away on a life-flight helicopter.... A BLUR, a total BLUR..... I am stuck in the hospital wanting to be with her, and hold her, something I hadn't gotten to do. My husband, and my family and close friends and the Staff at Katy Memorial Hermann helped me cope.... without them, I am not sure where I would be..... My nurses helped me SO much. They gave hugs, a listening ear and lots of pain meds.... They walked me through almost 5 days of recovery without my baby.....

God works in the most mysterious ways.... His plan is far greater than we can even comprehend.

November 19th, 2008: I walk in to my office. My beloved job with my beloved friends. Just another day.

Wrong.

The beloved job and beloved friends. Gone. Just like that- you no longer have a job. Here's a box. You're done. I am angry- Pissed off-- devastated. How could they? After everything We have been through... I am trying so hard... How could they kick me to curb and never blink an eye. I will never know. Their reasoning makes no sense.

I have come to realize I am not meant to understand why it happened or why they think what they did was ok. All I know is it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I am happier, free, and doing something so gratifying it's scary...

The Circle has fully completed itself.

I am Back in the nursery where my journey started. 6 months to the DAY, I got my offer and I accepted. God put me back in a place where I am needed and I can use my talents. And where I needed to be so I can finish healing myself. The whirlwind life we lead- I think I have put my emotional self on the back burner....

No more Desk job- no more politics.... just babies and my camera.

EVERY single nurse on the 3rd floor knows me, recognized me or remembers my story. Kayelyn's Story. Nathan's Story. Briley's Story. My family's story. My friend's story.... They were thrilled to see me back and healthy and as part of their team. How is Kayelyn? They Ask... She is so great....

Yes I have to see the sick babies.... the babies that have passed.... I see God's Plan. For the past 6 months, I get within a mile of the hospital and I start getting nervous....I see life-flight and I cry....

As I walked to the hospital entrance today it hit me like a ton of bricks.

This is the full circle.

I am back and ready to face the "ghosts" that have been haunting me. Deal with the raw pain I felt 6 months ago and put it behind me....

As I left tonight after hours of seeing beaming moms, healthy babies and sick babies, I started bawling... This will be very Therapeutic for me... I CAN cope with it after all.....It's like I could feel gods hands on me-- a giant hug and a sudden peace....

The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. (Psalm 18:1)

AMEN.