Sunday, May 10, 2009

Just Another Day....

I usually really look forward to mother's day. Every year I can't wait to be honored and adored and thanked all day.... Today was different and I am not sure why. Instead I finish today Tired, hot, worn out, questioning my abilities to be a mom and a bit sad.
I didn't get any presents today because we can't afford it. We had to cut our mothers day lunch short so that my husband could go to one of his two jobs. While he napped to prepare himself to work tonight, I cleaned, mowed the yard and went grocery shopping. I am tired of getting questioned as to why he works two jobs. Its not because we overspend or live frivolously. AND- It's not because he enjoys it. He works two jobs because he has too. Nearly a year ago, our daughter ran up hundreds of thousands of medical bills, of which we are responsible for a percentage. As They keep coming in, money gets tighter and tighter. I then lost my job. I made quite a bit money and now I don't. You do the math. HE HAS TO WORK OR WE DON'T EAT, OR LIVE IN OUR HOUSE!!!! We are tired and worn out and sick of this crazy hectic lifestyle.
I didn't get to celebrate with my mom. I haven't even talked to her yet. WHY? Because she lives in another state and is also working today.... I am having a pity party because I want to give her a hug.

In church today sons and daughters did testimonies about their moms and how special they are to them. Hearing about these super women made me question my ability to be a mom.... Am I really qualified? I don't do half of what they do. I heard stories about how mom cooked these elaborate meals and made sure everyone in the neighborhood had snacks.... I heard stories about moms who were so organized and made sure their children's lives were always in order. I don't fit any of these descriptions. I can't cook, I am so busy trying to help make ends meet that my house is always a mess. What is a mom? if its someone who loves her kids unconditionally, than that's me. If its someone who runs a perfect house and cooks and cleans and makes everyone happy with her selfless acts then don't look at me. I don't deserve the two precious kids I have. I can't see them getting up one day in front of hundreds to say how special I am. I don't do anything but try and help my husband pay the bills the best that I can and while I am out doing that my mother in law is taking care of the kids.... I have a guilty conscience as you can see..... Today ends just as it began. Exhausted and overwhelmed praying something changes so life can be back to normal the way it was a few years ago....
Sorry to be a downer..... Blogging isn't always meant to be happy and upbeat. It's my place to rant and here it is..... I hope tomorrow is a better day.


  1. You are in a really hard spot right now. It is no wonder why you are so tired and overwhelmed today. In this season of your life, the demands of raising two young children and having massive medical bills IS going to make you busy... you are going to work your ass off everyday and not be able to do all the 'extras' like some other moms with more leisurely schedules.

    But you know what? That alone IS what makes you amazing!!! Despite all of the hardship, you love your kids unconditionally and get up every morning to do it again instead of throwing up your hands and saying it is too hard.

    I love you, and am really in awe and inspired by you. I hope you take these words to heart, and that you can find some comfort in them.

    And ANYtime you want to vent, you know how to get me! XOXO

  2. Aw C'mon....You Rock in so many ways!
    How many nights have you spent awake watching and praying over your daughter as she lay healing?
    That's why God appointed YOU the perfect mother for her and your son too!
    Your just in a valley right now, soon, you'll be back on the mountain top breathing the sweet air.
    Have faith!

  3. My goodness you have your plate full. You are a mom because you said "yes" to life. You are taking care of the kids. Heck, last week one morning I let them eat cold pizza for breakfast. I always have loads and loads of laundry and my kitchen is always messy. (I clean all the time too!)

    I am sure your husband can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that you are trying your best on your end.

    Things will get better. I will pray for you!!

  4. two words...Dave Ramsey. Maybe you already heard of him? great financial ideas and tools. Not connected at all...just inspired and optimistic. God bless you and thanks for your honesty.

  5. Oh, Missy! I am not going to say shame on you for saying any of this because it is completely normal to question your abilities as a mother from time to time. HOWEVER; I have seen you overcome more obstacles in your few years as a mother that many have to in their lifetime. You are such a strong mom that has been an amazing support to two wonderful, beautiful, smart & now both healthy little girls. They may not be able to stand up in front of hundreds now, but I know you can see it in their eyes how much they are grateful for you. That is what is important in the present time. You are truly an inspiration to so many mothers. We are not all able to have the cleanest houses or cook for an entire neighborhood at once, but you are amazing in your own way. Think about all you have done for your OWN children. I don't think anyone could possibly expect or even imagine any more amazing abilities from you. You are truly REMARKABLE! I love you to pieces & am proud to call you my friend & one of the most wonderful moms I know! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!!