I usually really look forward to mother's day. Every year I can't wait to be honored and adored and thanked all day.... Today was different and I am not sure why. Instead I finish today Tired, hot, worn out, questioning my abilities to be a mom and a bit sad.
I didn't get any presents today because we can't afford it. We had to cut our mothers day lunch short so that my husband could go to one of his two jobs. While he napped to prepare himself to work tonight, I cleaned, mowed the yard and went grocery shopping. I am tired of getting questioned as to why he works two jobs. Its not because we overspend or live frivolously. AND- It's not because he enjoys it. He works two jobs because he has too. Nearly a year ago, our daughter ran up hundreds of thousands of medical bills, of which we are responsible for a percentage. As They keep coming in, money gets tighter and tighter. I then lost my job. I made quite a bit money and now I don't. You do the math. HE HAS TO WORK OR WE DON'T EAT, OR LIVE IN OUR HOUSE!!!! We are tired and worn out and sick of this crazy hectic lifestyle.
I didn't get to celebrate with my mom. I haven't even talked to her yet. WHY? Because she lives in another state and is also working today.... I am having a pity party because I want to give her a hug.
In church today sons and daughters did testimonies about their moms and how special they are to them. Hearing about these super women made me question my ability to be a mom.... Am I really qualified? I don't do half of what they do. I heard stories about how mom cooked these elaborate meals and made sure everyone in the neighborhood had snacks.... I heard stories about moms who were so organized and made sure their children's lives were always in order. I don't fit any of these descriptions. I can't cook, I am so busy trying to help make ends meet that my house is always a mess. What is a mom? if its someone who loves her kids unconditionally, than that's me. If its someone who runs a perfect house and cooks and cleans and makes everyone happy with her selfless acts then don't look at me. I don't deserve the two precious kids I have. I can't see them getting up one day in front of hundreds to say how special I am. I don't do anything but try and help my husband pay the bills the best that I can and while I am out doing that my mother in law is taking care of the kids.... I have a guilty conscience as you can see..... Today ends just as it began. Exhausted and overwhelmed praying something changes so life can be back to normal the way it was a few years ago....
Sorry to be a downer..... Blogging isn't always meant to be happy and upbeat. It's my place to rant and here it is..... I hope tomorrow is a better day.